Think First, Sing Later

• Why, Alicia Keys, would you merely point out that the girl is on fire? Why aren’t you stopping that from happening? Is it enough to yell at the girl, “This girl is on fi-yaaaaaaaaaa,” while she’s right there next to you, engulfed in flames? You have a personality issue, Ms. Keys. You are a sociopath, allowing the poor girl to burn just so you can sing about it at her. Put her out, already! Douse those flames. Put her body out before it turns to charcoal.

• And Eddie Vedder: you’re not fooling anyone. You’re making promises you can’t possibly keep. What will fans think, decades from now, long after you’ve expired, when in every chorus you profess that you’re “still alive?” Isn’t it a bit insensitive to put those expectations on your fanbase? To give them false hope? You didn’t hear Elvis Presley sing such nonsense throughout his career, given he even knew when he would fake his death. Even John Lennon, who was considered by many to be wise and almost prophetic never made such an audacious claim. Foresight, Mr. Vedder. Foresight.

• Finally, Katy Perry, would you kindly refrain from comparing babies to fireworks? Think about it, for a second: what is the lifespan of a firework? After being ignited, it's got mere seconds before it's launched into the heavens. Those mere seconds, though, are an eternity compared to the explosion that follows. You know, the explosion that you encourage these babies to experience. You want them to let their colors burst, but it seems you've overlooked the colorless ash that flutters back to the earth. You want babies to explode and die, then fall as dry snow onto apathetic audience. Why, Katy Perry, do you hate so deeply? Babies are not fireworks. No one will, “AH! AH! AH” as they shoot across the “SKAH! AH! AH!” Stop encouraging infants to combust.