A Common Terror

There’s a reason why I’m not in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship, believe me. Few things sound better to me right now than to have a significant other to fight against humanity as equal partners, and, ideally, always acting wary of the other, just in case they want to usurp all power and take over the whole operation.

I guess this is a great time to finally admit to something I’ve been dealing with for years. So, to my parents, siblings, friends, associates and to you, the reader: I’m a homo-erectus. Well, a distant relative, like you. That means that I’m naturally inclined to certain behaviors and fears, which leads me what I’ve been holding on to for years: I’m terrified of women.

Now, I’m not too afraid of women to avoid entering yet another relationship with one. On the contrary, the terror and intrigue are part of what drives me to them, time and time again. Everything is incredible as long as you take their side. The side you want to be on. The good side. They’re quirky, loving, entertaining, amazing, and, of course, absolutely irresistible, while on their good side. It's interesting, because I've noticed women always want a little bit more and a little bit less out of life. So, it's amazing to think they would ever risk entering a relationship with a bland, whining, self-absorbed creature like a straight, human male. But, when you see the other side, especially while you’re in with the good side, you see the most maniacal, unfeeling sociopaths whose greatest weapon is condescension and manipulation.

Men may insult each other, maybe even hit/kill each other, but women will turn you on yourself; they'll get you to insult and/or harm yourself.

As it is, I like women. A lot. In fact, I love them. I have to, in order to prevent myself from spending all day rocking under my blanket, like a fetus, paralyzed by the fear of what awaits when it goes outside.