Dear (Fellow) White People

I don’t claim to be an avid proponent of racial equality, nor do I think of myself as racially prejudice. However, I am very embarrassed when I see white people dance. It’s not natural. The white people that can dance and not make it look like a humiliating skeleton that’s lost its self-control--like a socially challenged cousin trying to flirt with your sister--are few and far between. I don’t care to list them off, because it’s not worth getting up the hopes of everyone else that rightly have no hope.

White-dancing is an equal opportunity employer in shame. Man or woman, LGBTQ+, disabled, smoker or non-smoker, etc. The only real people it discriminates against are staunch Christians and the inebriated. Those two demographics are targeted victims, attacked with the most humiliation because they feel no shame, making them the most shameful dancers.

The root cause of this issue is emulation: white people try to dance like everyone that’s not white. Salsa? Yep. Hip-hop? There are classes, actual classes for Hip-Hop! Tango? Indeed. And the list goes on. “How is this the root cause of this supposed issue?” you might ask. Answer: because white people have, for generations, passed down the worst dancing styles to be found in the human race. Beings from other planets have tried to make contact with us, but when they found a giant group of humans square-dancing, they called it off. It was the complete lack of irony on the participants’ faces that unsettled the extraterrestrials. They sent back to their home planet the message, "iejfoej-eidjdoke kP jsb dp'jba Ijsb-Joabd," which literally translates to, "Please help. Multiple casualties. We weren't prepared for this." Ballroom dancing had potential, until everyone that we all actively avoided in high school learned how to do it, then infested every social gathering with even a semblance of music. Their reckless moves have undone many church socials, and have left perpetual adolescents in their wake.

It's time to end this. I move white people stay their feet for the sake of each other and the rest of the human race. We could have had laser-guns by now.