I Don't Need Anything from Anybody

circa
I can’t be the only person that gets unsettled when someone asks if they can get me anything, it’s just not possible. And it’s because no one who makes that request is comfortable with 90% of the possible responses. "Can you get me anything?" Yes. Get me out of my crippling debt, please.

Naturally, one can assume the question isn't a question at all, but a point of conversation. A polite gesture to welcome guests. The wording might be very much on purpose, too: they say "can" as in is it possible. The question itself is a yes or no question, at any rate. A very finite query. Even if you were to respond to the person by saying, “Yes,” that should be enough to answer the question. (“Can I get you anything?” "Yes." "I thought so." *silence*)

On the other hand, if they were to phrase the question so it could be clearly understood, then it would become the makings of a nightmare. The dreaded, “May I get you something?” sends shivers down the decomposed skeletons of anyone killed by poisoned wine. The phrase has been the cause of multiple catastrophes in recorded history; it’s been the cause of terrible marriages, culture wars, and, in some cases, cancer. An affirmative answer is not an option to this version of the question. It’s a trap. A deathtrap.

Even in the most pedestrian circumstances, no one is going to accept an offer of getting anything, because the people who accept it are resented by everyone else. It’s the arrogance, the audacity involved. They seem so needy and demanding, right? I know everyone agrees with me, because everyone declines the offer, especially the people who took it. It’s a ruse we all employ to at least appear humble. Everyone knows what they want, anyway: Can I get you anything? Yes. Get me out of this party.

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