Pending an Investigation

circa
We live in a dark age. A cloud hangs over this generation of humanity, a dirt-black cloud of distrust--the condensation of broken promises and disillusionment. Steam from the forgotten corpses of dead, unburied dreams has gathered so great that the sky over our society is raining tears.
You might be thinking, what in the living garbage is he talking about? Or, more likely, I can’t believe I’ve actually read this far. I’m going to stop reading. To answer both of your thoughts: I am, of course, talking about locking mechanisms on paper towel and toilet paper dispensers.
There are people in the world--living, breathing humans capable of acting out their choices--that have, somehow, created the need for locks on paper product dispensers. Someone, somewhere, has done something so vile, so ill-advised and so detrimental to their immediate community that corporations like Kimberly-Clark were commissioned to start locking their products. You know, for protection.
Maybe it was that people were stealing paper products; I can’t imagine the wealth someone could garner through funneling paper products in the black market. There’s quite a demand for hot toilet paper, I guess.
Perhaps it's to hinder the ever strengthening forces of environmental activists. Before disposable paper products were locked away like rolled, paper princesses in translucent castles, it might have been a daily problem that environmentalists were setting these innocent royals free, and replanting them in the forest. Where they belong.
Either way, a series of events transpired in the past and set off this trend. I’ll bet it started in the 70’s, like nearly everything that has since become a confusing, yet troubling reminder of modern treachery. Thanks, boomers.

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