I was thinking...

I'm convinced that women my age--the 18-31 demographic--go to some movies just to cry. This conclusion comes from years of experience, and suffering through countless dramas with the same storyline: girl meets a guy unlike any other, they tease the audience with when they'll finally get on with it, they fight, end the relationship, end up getting back together, and someone important to one or both of them will die. (Really, what happened in Nicholas Sparks' life that made it so predictably tragic?) To be fair, there are variations to these movies, like, in one movie, the girl has wavy hair, while in the other movie, the girl has short, wavy hair. That's the extent of the comfort zone of these filmmakers, though. They don't want to mess with the prescribed rain dance they follow to conjure face water out of young women's faces. The most recent movie of this vein that I had to sleep through danced the right steps, and I heard the thunder of sniffles behi...

The man is the Man, and the ladle is commercial withholding Celebrities and corporate organizations encourage us laypersons to be benevolent, because these same entities are hoping to, ironically, avoid having to do this. They encourage us by using the sick tactic of appearing benevolent, guilting us into following suit. A compassionate sleight of hand, as it were. The very notion makes me ill to my core. I mean, come on, each of these human flytraps who tell us, the commonwealth, to donate to a cause could easily solve the problem if they just donated the bulk sum of their superfluous gains. Right? They’re trying to convince us that it’s “just sixty cents a day, sixty cents a day! *sniffle*”, but that sixty cents is part of the money we all use to live on, not luxury money we can throw at a cause out of guilt. Why are we of the middle-class asked to donate so much to non-profits? Are you aware that the middle class, at any given moment in the last decade, has only ever had b...

Don’t you understand? You and I are being manipulated, every day. We’re being controlled, and what’s controlling us is a force that has even become something we all literally can’t live without. It’s been this same case for our parents, their parents, their parents, so on and so forth, encompassing the entire line of our collective ancestry. This force has masterfully conditioned us, at the most basic level of our instincts as a species, to be totally dependent on what it produces. Evil. This... evil force is, of course, the Earth’s plant-life. The Flora of that infamous death-metal duo, Flora and Fauna (I know, you’re thinking they can’t be a "death"-metal duo, but if you understand how Flora has enslaved us and how Fauna consumes the flesh of Fauna, it becomes clear. Their debut album is titled "The Food Chain".) There are horror movies about plants taking over the world, but, guess what? They’ve already taken over the world. They took over soon ...

THE BOOK OF BUTCH Chapter 1 Good boys go potty--Eating food makes Butch a good boy--Threats must be barked at from afar--If threats approach, one must scurry away and bark at a new location--Butch must have every toy--if there is something to be desired, Butch must stay vigilant to the point of paranoia--the Masters ask the one important question: Are you a good boy ? 1. Thus saith the Masters: Hark! Art thou a good boy? And upon my head rests that which, alas, remains unanswered. 2. Now it came to pass that I, Butch, the small and lowly, was taken with leash and harness past the door; and the Masters had commanded, Behold, I say unto you the time is now wherein you must go potty. And I, Butch, had answered with wag of tail and patter of foot. 3. And it came to pass that I, Butch the small and lowly, did seek out an place to relieve my bowels and empty my bladder; and this I did for a time. 4. And as I performed these duties, behold, a large and fretful creatu...

The PTA meeting ended with the buzz of considerate laughter and the touching of each other’s arms. As they were leaving the room, Edna walked briskly up to Gretta, the PTA president, and thanked her for all of her hard work and commitment to the lives of the school children, while handing Gretta a freshly baked loaf of bread. Gretta accepted said loaf in great thanks, and excitedly walked to her economy-class vehicle. _________________ Gretta walked into her home. The clear smell of ‘new’ filled the entryway. “Dave? Dave?!” she demanded. As she meandered into the kitchen, she spotted her husband, Dave, sitting at the island bar. “David! Look what Edna just gave us,” she said, holding the bread at eye level. “Awesome,” was Dave’s response. “I’m going to make some toast!” Gretta headed to the toaster oven by the sink, and plopped in two slices, cut with delicate exactness. The reheated bread sent a warm vapor of butter and memories into the cabinets, as it was waft...

Ke$ha, you might want to make a night we won't remember and promise that you'll be the one I won't forget, but I know an attractive woman with poor judgment looking to cash-in on child support and tax deductible dependents when I see one. And, addressing The Zombies: if "she" is still beckoning me to come closer, as well as telling me she loves me, I'm not going to tell her no. It's been, like, forty years. Enough, already! Adele, your heartfelt resolve to find someone like the guy with whom it didn't work out will lead to the next relationship also not working out. You can see that, right? Macklemore, the ceiling isn't holding anyone. If you put your hands up, even if you reached the ceiling, the only scenario would be you holding the ceiling. The only way it would hold you is if you were on top of it, but here's the thing, that part is called a roof and no amount of lifting your hands is going to change th...

If you come to a certain point with a regular associate, you gradually get more comfortable sharing personal information with them. At least, that’s been the case with me. I’ve reached this point with multiple people and have discovered a common thread: mostly everyone is okay with accepting that someone has a mental illness until the diagnosed person shows signs of mental illness. I know this because I have been diagnosed as mentally ill and have experienced this firsthand. The stigma with that statement is so, that your immediate view of me has changed--believe me, I know. When someone starts showing symptoms related to their diagnosis of mental illness, people react by saying the symptomatic behavior needs to stop, because it is assumed the victim can control it. All you need is to go for a walk or a run to get rid of that excess energy; you should just calm down; you need a pick-me-up, so why don’t you take on a hobby? These suggestions, and others like them, have the sa...

Alright, alright, alright. Check it out. You got something special inside of you. You got potential to do great things, alright? Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. 'Kay, now, with that out of the way, this entire group--all you kids--you all suck at this game. Serious. Being completely serious, I can't believe you even knew you had arms and legs. I've only been retired for 3 years, now, and I already want to stop it with these camps, man. You, right there, I don't care what your dad told me to say, 'cause it ain't worth $10,000. I tip $10,000 at Chili's when the service is terrible. How can you call yourself the son of a guy that owns a chain of gyms, man? You look like you forgot to lace up your shoes, whenever you walk. Let alone run, man. You've been tripping all over the floor, all day. Sad thing is, too, that you're wearing slip-ons. Can you even stand up for five straight minutes? Stand up. Right now, at least s...

There are drivers that will pass you on the road at remarkable speeds. Their cause is just, however, because they need to reach all of the stopping points in their path as soon as possible. I sit in awe, and sink slightly deeper into my driver’s seat as they pass. How deeply I admire their dedication to the craft of promptness. Congratulations for beating me in the game of who gets to stop first , I think with tearful applause. One time, there was a girl driving a decades-old sedan, tailing me like a plecostomus attached to the caudal fin of a shark. This particular sucker decided I was going the speed limit, and promptly passed me at about 30 mph above said speed limit, after crossing the imaginary double-yellow lines. (Only some of us actually see these fabled creatures, while others of us scoff at the ghost stories.) The issue here, though, was that there was a stop sign about 100 feet away, so she had to slam on her brakes to avoid drifting into oncoming traffic at the in...

Don’t think you are correcting me--I mean it when I say, “I could care less.” Everyone could, whether they know it or not. The reason I say that very phrase is because I care enough to mention whatever it is to which I’m referring. If I couldn’t care less, then I wouldn’t mention it; I wouldn’t even think about it. The same goes for every single person that utters the same. So, you’re wrong. While we’re on the subject, my job for the last 6 years has been substitute teaching. It’s not exactly a profession, but it doesn’t pay the bills. This got me thinking that I could be a substitute for pretty much anything, as long as there are instructions: • I could be a substitute husband/father in a marriage. I mean, I wouldn’t expect to do anything salacious--even the substitute teacher isn’t allowed to put grades in the gradebook, if you catch my meaning--but I could avoid doing chores around the house, ignore the children, watch TV, etc. • I could be a s...

Every human being has proven that they need to be regulated, in one way or another. From the child to whom the parents have to say, "Don't play with matches," to the Honorable Judge that had to say, "Don't play with matches, Thomas Sweatt." Why is this the case when we're supposedly intelligent creatures? The issue is lack of symbiosis. The animal kingdom has shown us that enemies must either avoid or defeat each other in order to maintain a social balance. It's also shown us that a symbiotic relationship is possible, where there is unspoken communication between the two or more parties, concerning what is mutually beneficial. Then--and this is the key-- they both do that thing . Law enforcement, sports referees, teachers, even school prefects, are only there to help regulate the activities of others. If human beings did things together, these professions would become obsolete. Of course, there is no "hive mind" within the human ra...

So, you want to name your child. In order to effectively come to a decision, you must consider the following: Is it spelled in a cute, alternative way (i.e., a hideous misspelling of the traditional name--of anything)? Is it at least quasi-exotic?  Have you considered every word in the arsenal of English to be a gender-neutral moniker? How many "y"'s are involved? Following this list, you should come out on top of the other parents in the quality of your child's name. If you name your daughter Jennifer, for example, you'll be quickly run out of your immediate community for lack of creativity, as well as be branded an archaic traditionalist. Don't toss the name, though! You should use an alternative spelling of the name. First, the "j" needs to be substituted with another, similar sounding consonant (g); next, you need to defy the already shaky logic of English pronunciation and discard the second "n" but keep the short "e...