I'm a Substitute Teacher and I Could Care Less

circa
Don’t think you are correcting me--I mean it when I say, “I could care less.” Everyone could, whether they know it or not. The reason I say that very phrase is because I care enough to mention whatever it is to which I’m referring. If I couldn’t care less, then I wouldn’t mention it; I wouldn’t even think about it. The same goes for every single person that utters the same. So, you’re wrong.
While we’re on the subject, my job for the last 6 years has been substitute teaching. It’s not exactly a profession, but it doesn’t pay the bills.

This got me thinking that I could be a substitute for pretty much anything, as long as there are instructions:

• I could be a substitute husband/father in a marriage. I mean, I wouldn’t expect to do anything salacious--even the substitute teacher isn’t allowed to put grades in the gradebook, if you catch my meaning--but I could avoid doing chores around the house, ignore the children, watch TV, etc.

• I could be a substitute government employee (besides a public teacher, of course, since I already am). I could neglect the needs of citizens with the best of them. I could take a paycheck for walking around city hall, sternly transporting papers from room to room, and signing whatever crosses my desk after my secretary reads it for me, since I shouldn’t have to read.

• I could be a substitute in a sales position. Slick my hair back, wear a gaudy tie with a tight-fitting suit, pretend like money is everything. I could do anything I wanted, maybe even bring the whole company down. I wouldn’t have to be there to answer for my actions, since I'd be gone. Beside that, my antecedent doesn't do any work.

• I could be a substitute lawyer. I can twist words and search legal terms on my phone, like a champ.

• I could be a substitute doctor; if someone comes in with an ailment, I'll tell them they have an ailment (Greek for 'ailment'), and suggest they take some OTC drugs to relieve the symptoms until the ailment improves.

These are only a few examples, but I could stretch this gig into a lifelong process. The only issue would be that substitute teaching is actually fulfilling, and worth doing. Unlike any of the others.

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