Inspiring the Coming Generation

Alright, alright, alright. Check it out. You got something special inside of you. You got potential to do great things, alright? Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

'Kay, now, with that out of the way, this entire group--all you kids--you all suck at this game. Serious. Being completely serious, I can't believe you even knew you had arms and legs. I've only been retired for 3 years, now, and I already want to stop it with these camps, man. You, right there, I don't care what your dad told me to say, 'cause it ain't worth $10,000. I tip $10,000 at Chili's when the service is terrible. How can you call yourself the son of a guy that owns a chain of gyms, man? You look like you forgot to lace up your shoes, whenever you walk. Let alone run, man. You've been tripping all over the floor, all day. Sad thing is, too, that you're wearing slip-ons. Can you even stand up for five straight minutes? Stand up. Right now, at least show me--oh, okay, good. I was worried there for a sec--yo, I didn't tell you to sit back down, yet! Oh, my goodness. You didn't even sit down, you fell down on your way to standing up. All these kids saw that. Everyone in this gym saw that, man. Hopeless. No, stay seated. For the sake of all us in here, keep to the floor. For your own safety, man. And ours. And this whole city, for real, though.

Now listen, with enough work, half of you could be decent enough players that you could hold your own in, like, a church league, or something. So, keep at it. As for the rest, I know that you other half are still going to be trying to play, and end up embarrassing yourselves and everybody watching you, and pissing off everybody that's forced to play with you, because your parents are rich. And, I'd like to point out, in front of them and you, how insecure they are about their own lack of talent, and how hopeless they were, too, about learning these skills, so they're vicariously projecting their humiliating childhoods onto you. A little psychoanalysis, for you, 'cause I went to college. You'll go there, too, and disappoint your rich parents there, too. See that? I'll bet I'm even a better psychiatrist than Dr. Fatty McJones in the glasses, sitting down, over there. ...man, I don't care if you're in advertising. This isn't a conversation.

Yo, this whole group of kids, right here--just the group I'm pointing to--you all just need to get up and leave, right now. It's upsetting me that you're still here. Parents? Yeah, parents. If these kids are yours, you need to get them checked for rickets or something, 'cause...damn. Is this the first time they've walked since you gave birth, or something? I know these two ain't ever seen a ball before. Whose are these two? You? Hey, are their wrists broken? Why are their hands dangling, all day--why are all of your hands dangling right now? Have some respect for yourselves! You know your kids can see you. Actually, I'm not sure you have much self to respect, if you know what I'm saying. Parents. ...yo, parents. PARENTS. Yeah, all of you that  this group belongs to: why am I still looking and this sorry group of trash kids? Get them up out of here. I ain't playing.

As they're leaving, the rest of you come with me. I want to show you something we--yeah, the rest of you. The rest of you. ...so, when I say 'the rest of you', I mean 'everybody else that isn't that group leaving.' Yes, you. No, no, no...stop pointing to yourselves, I'm talking to the whole group. The whole group. You know what...no, you know what, sit back down. Everyone, sit back down...oh my--I didn't say fall back down. You don't need to be hitting the floor with your hips when you're going down. See this? This is my butt, see? This is what I use to sit on. You just did, too, like, ten seconds ago. I don't get on my hip, first. Just...you know what, just fall. Just fall. And don't worry about breaking anything. It's not like you're using your bodies for anything but food storage and video games, anyway.

Today has been too long a day. To the owner if this gym: dude, if these parents are your customers, then you got problems with your clientele, man. As if these kids weren't bad enough, I haven't seen one of these fat-a** parents stand up this whole day. Six hours of this garbage, man. How are you in business? There is a terrifying trend in this neighborhood, I just got to say.

Thanks for the check, though, and I'll see none of you never, hopefully. If I'm lucky, you don't even like me, anymore. And you won't be watching me, neither. I don't need fans like you, man--looking like a fool, humiliated while I have to sign your useless ball. Y'all can't even play with it, anyway. That's why you want it signed, 'cause you know it ain't going to get dirty. And take those nasty jerseys, too. How do these kids sweat and stink so much? They shower in dirty bacon-grease, or what? Can't believe I wasted my 10% discount coupon for JC Penny on those, man. Psht.