It Was Definitely the Longest Something

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I'm convinced that women my age--the 18-31 demographic--go to some movies just to cry. This conclusion comes from years of experience, and suffering through countless dramas with the same storyline: girl meets a guy unlike any other, they tease the audience with when they'll finally get on with it, they fight, end the relationship, end up getting back together, and someone important to one or both of them will die. (Really, what happened in Nicholas Sparks' life that made it so predictably tragic?)

To be fair, there are variations to these movies, like, in one movie, the girl has wavy hair, while in the other movie, the girl has short, wavy hair. That's the extent of the comfort zone of these filmmakers, though. They don't want to mess with the prescribed rain dance they follow to conjure face water out of young women's faces.

The most recent movie of this vein that I had to sleep through danced the right steps, and I heard the thunder of sniffles behind me as girls' faces trickled in the dark. I know something they don't, though, and that's that it was just a really long PSA to raise awareness for erectile dysfunction. I deduced this by piecing the clues together of how many love scenes there were with no indication that either person was enjoying what they were doing; then, at the end of the movie, the couple jumps into a lake, taking off everything but their underwear, and, after a few moments of embracing in the water, the girl says, "What took you so long?" I'm confident everyone else will come around when the movie comes to video. Their eyes should have finally cleared, by then.

Side note: We all know there are girls in the theater that have no clue when to cry during the movie. They just see their friends crying all the time, for any reason, so they think it might be fun to join in. So, through the entire movie, they look around at their counterparts when they hear the tiniest peep to see if it's time, then one friend indicates the girl should cool it, 'cause the female protagonist hasn't even had her first major life crisis. If you're the awkward girl that wants to cry with your friends, here's a tip: the first major life crisis comes when the main character has to choose between the guy and something else she, and everyone in the world, knows is way more important (ex. family, friends, school, career, future, lasting happiness, etc.) Then you can cry over whichever she chooses over the other, because that's why the filmmakers made it that way.

Guys have a similar experience with action epics. Different pieces might be at play, but the formula is eerily similar: guy meets guy(s) unlike any other, they tease the audience with when they'll finally get on with it, they fight, end the relationship, get back together, and someone important to one or both of them will die. The only real difference is there's a lot of guys with crazy abs wearing no shirts wandering around the movie, making out all the time with barely dressed, scaldingly hot women, usually under falling water, while social conflict and physical peril abound...sorry, I lost my train of thought--I’m getting confused. Guys go to these movies for similar reasons, as well. Not to cry, of course, but to vicariously beat the crap out of and kill each other, then venerate themselves and their onscreen comrades for a job well done, then beat the crap out of and kill each other. Without crying.

I guess it boils down to catharsis, or "emotional cleansing" for those of you that didn't take literature and/or theater electives in school. Things happen in our lives that are real, yet not as real as we want them to be, so we need to bridge that gap using miles of celluloid, or "film" for those of you that didn't take film and/or theater-tech electives in school.

So, I'm not condemning one group or t'other. I've just noticed these things because I've been thinking. Ever since I had to sit through The Longest Movie. Ever.

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