Revenge on Grammar Auschwitz

Grammar nazis are just trying to make sense of the English language. Heaven knows it's nearly impossible to fully understand, so they're fighting a difficult battle with poor grammar.

The emblem of the Grammar Nazi

That being said, here's a simple way to drive them to insanity: tell them, "I know," and smile--in that order--when they correct you.

The proper use of a simile is to use like or as to compare two or more things. For example, "An apple is like nature's toothbrush," is the proper use of a simile. However, there are those of us who use like as some sort of conjunction. For example, "She was, like, totally into the same guy as her cousin," is not the proper use of a simile.

So, when a grammar nazi corrects you and says, "Like should only be said when you're comparing things, not just because you feel like saying it all the time," you should say, "I know," and smile.

One of the most difficult things to keep track of is the difference between adjectives and adverbs. If I want to use an adjective--a quality which a person, place, thing or idea possesses--I don't want to use it to describe anything that isn't a noun. For example: if I'm encouraging someone to speed up the process, it's common to say, "Run out to the shed and get the hatchet. Do it quick." What should be said, in place of quick, should be the adverb "quickly".  On a similar note, comparing with these parts of speech can be even trickier. For example: if I want to compare how fun two things are, I want to say, "I think the beach is more fun than riding waves in the sewer," and not, "I think it's funner to go to the beach."

So, when you say something as atrocious to the grammar nazi as, "Go to the store, real quick, and get full ice-blocks because they'll be funner to drop on cars from the bridge than ice-cubes," they'll tell you it's illegal to drop anything onto cars. After that, they'll probably mention you meant to say "quickly" and "more fun" instead of "real quick" and "funner." To that, you should say, "I know," and smile.

If you send a text using single letters and numbers to replace full words, that will be considered a cardinal sin to a grammar nazi. Tack on the fact that you probably didn't begin the sentence with a capital letter and likely didn't punctuate at the end, the grammar nazi will feel they have no choice but to destroy the faith you have in your own intelligence and correct you like a nun corrects a child for taking the Lord's name in vain.

So, when your text reads, "i'm w8ing @ ur house", and the grammar nazi sends back a scathing review, respond with, "I know. :)"

Any time a grammar nazi tells you that you shouldn't end sentences with a preposition, you could easily remind them that there are different schools of thought on whether or not that's true. Especially considering some of the greatest authors and grammarians in the history of the language have done so.

So, when you say, "I don't know who he's going with," the grammar nazi will tell you, "You shouldn't end sentences with prepositions." You should easily respond and say, "I know." And smile.

It's more than likely--I would say guaranteed--that you have used the wrong word in place of common contractions. And if they're less than five minutes apart, you'd better get to a hospital! *rim shot* Seriously, though, the most common error in social media is confusion between the following words (called homophones): your/you're; their/there/they're; its/it's; etc.

So, when your grammar nazi friend on Facebook tells you which of these to use in place of the one you've typed, write a comment below theirs, saying, "I know," then stick on a smiley.

Lastly, at any time you're communicating with an individual and they mention the dreaded split infinitive, don't panic. Very few people know what that actually means, and chances are the grammar nazi who pointed it out isn't sure of it, either. The same thing goes for the even more dreaded dangling participles. The phrase almost seeps toxic goop, cracking your screen.

So, when you tell them, "Let's go to Jerry's house, not Joey's. Considering he has a pool," and they mention either of the aforementioned rules, you know what to do: "I know," and smile.

Now that I've taught you how to be impervious to the harsh nature of grammar nazis, I hope you use this knowledge for good.

However, if you feel inclined to abandon good for evil with this super power, know this: there are those grammar nazis who are hyper-aggressive in their corrective natures, and the more you use this tactic, the angrier they'll get, to the point of berating you for being a cheeky idiot.

To which you should respond, "I know." And smile.*


*UPDATE: It's been a few years, so I anticipate some of you have tried this technique and have been met with the comeback, "Then why don't you do it, if you already know how to?" If you've found your own response, excellent. If not, don't get down on yourself--that's why I'm here. If someone claps back at you with that after you've followed my initial advice, the final and only response you need to use is to say, "Because," then smile, and walk away. No matter how much they try to talk to you in response, keep walking. Then you'll truly feel quenched by the tingling-red of revenge.