Redheads

Redhead sunburns are like a demon's skin being touched by the finger of heaven. It's like, you're just standing somewhere, being a demon, then an angel comes down to bless you. When it descends upon you and touches you, scalding all of your skin, it sees this and says, "Oh, s***..." then tries to quickly ascend back into heaven. But it can't. It can only be majestic. So, instead, it slowly rises, avoiding eye contact while you stare at it, with your hands lifted and your face twisted between confusion and disbelief.

Redheads are the most unique creatures on earth, because we still get sun damage in a dark room. At night.

But, we redheads are able to essentially synthesize our own vitamin D. We grow a lot of skin cancer, but hey. Vitamin D. Our skin, so proud, says, "Yeah! Look--well, we made some melanoma, probably malignant, 'cause we haven't figured that one out yet--but check it out! Vitamin D!" Then our skin makes our hands high five each other. Our skin gets so sensitive that moving air particles feel like silk, woven from sand paper and stitched together with briers, endlessly gliding over the ticklish layers of our raw flesh.

So, please don't force a redhead to be out in the sun. As people who get burned through clothing and sunscreen, we have mixed feelings about it, at best.