So, You Have a Ghost

Many Americans encounter ghosts in their homes, but so do many people around the world. With this issue being as common worldwide as it is in the United States, here is some sage advice to help you deal with your ghost.

Keep Your Ghost Humble

   It's widely understood that the average ghost is totally full of his/herself. That's primarily the reason they feel the right to not only trespass into your home, but harass you and your family without explanation. So, here are the things of which you need to remind your ghost:

•    Tell your ghost that you're not alone. While you may be the only one seeing him or her, you're far from being the only one in the room. There is a countless number of microorganisms in you, on you, and around you at any given time. Not only that, there are macro-organisms around you, as well, and some of them might even be on you or, if you're not careful, in you. It's no secret that people with tapeworms are never haunted, because even ghosts think that's gross.
•    Tell your ghost about things that are actually important, and remind them why you don't have time to deal with their nonsense. A good way to do this is to use the classic guilt-forward technique your parents and grandparents used whenever you were bothering them by asking, "Are you going to do this?" (i.e., "Are you going to fill out this 1099 form? 'Cause if you don't have anything better to do, then you can finish this tax form and I'll go soak in a hot bath.") If you have young children, tell your ghost you expect them to babysit if they insist on sticking around, and they'd better not give the kids snacks before dinner!
•    Compare your ghost to other ghosts. Even if these are ghosts you, yourself, have never seen, tell your ghost how they don't quite measure up in any way you can think of--the pettier the reason, the better. If they tend to only stand in the doorway, compare them to ghosts who are far more active and ambitious (i.e., "You know, she might just be in the movies, but you could still at least try to be like Samara. I mean, you stand here, once in a while--I guess whenever you feel like it--while she crawls through TV screens. Now, that's some ambition.") You may want to pepper in phrases like "a real go-getter" or "isn't afraid to take the bull by the horns". These outdated cliches are just as grating on the nerves to a ghost as they were to you. You would do well to tell them about more successful ghosts, if you care to try. Tell them of Abraham Lincoln's ghost not giving up on haunting the White House, or how the Djinn can at least grant wishes.
•    Ask Why They're So Untraveled. I mean, they can go anywhere because they're incapable of getting tired, and they choose to hang around the one spot? You don't have to do their dirty work and find out what they're holding on to. Just encourage them to be less of a loser living in the past, like a former high school quarterback who got a DUI and lost his scholarship and now lives in a ditch.

Take Advantage of the Situation

   If you're someone who lives alone, it's only natural to feel a bit lonely. Use your ghost as an opportunity for having someone to entertain and spend time with. Put on a series of movies and television programs from every available era, just to cover all of the possible time periods from which your ghost may be. They're the perfect movie companion because they usually don't talk during the film, and they can't eat any of your popcorn or Jujubes®. If their time was before the age of film, try reading-aloud popular literary classics from every available era. They're the perfect reading companion, too, because they won't get caught up in things like historical accuracy, interpreting the author's feelings, nuance, ennui, or the human condition, although all might be present in your book if you choose the likes of Dostoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov" or Osborne's "The Magic Treehouse: Night of the Ninjas". You could do worse than try reading with different accents or languages, too.

   If they tend to be a real chatty-Kathy, try to carry on a conversation! But, be warned: many ghosts are very single-minded, and might only be interested in one topic (death, never ending sorrow, the tragic way they died, trying to kill you to avenge what your great-great-great-grandfather did to their uncle's shoe polish, and what not) so be ready to carry the weight of changing the subject. Ghosts are also notorious gossips, so be careful with telling them personal information you wouldn't share with another ghost.

(Note: if your ghost is the kind who manifests as a voice or voices in your head, just get an annoying song stuck in there. Ghosts hate annoying songs, especially the hits of Bread. This is a win-win, because if you have an annoying song already stuck in your head--say, 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins' by Leonard Nimoy--the invasive spirit's voice or voices will be a welcome relief.)

   You might also consider using your ghost as an excuse to get people over for the Halloween party. And, if your ghost flakes out, bring it up the next time you see them. Who knows, maybe they'll be too embarrassed to haunt you from that point on.

   If your ghost is more of a poltergeist, you can strategically place trash bins or containers throughout your home and use their aggression to clean and organize the house, for you. Also, you can pretend the ugly furniture or decor that your roommate or spouse refuses to throw away is really important to you, thus inciting the poltergeist to think it's hurting you by maliciously destroying it. The ensuing rage and accusations from the real victim will make it too awkward for the poltergeist to hang around, let alone toss another ceramic statue of a beetle they say came from Morocco but is actually from a sidewalk sale next to The Salvation Army.

Don't Take Your Ghost Seriously

   A misconception about ghosts is that they'll become aggressive and possessive if you play with elements of the occult. That's simply not the case. Ghosts are show-offs. They already want attention, so when someone goes to lengths to give them an excuse to draw even more attention to themselves, they'll snatch that up like a frog snatches a blowfly off a dead muskrat. It's best to ignore them, otherwise you enable their inappropriate behavior. Especially avoid the Ouija board, since most ghosts don't know how to spell, and they can't 'delete' what they're trying to tell you in the middle of a message, so they add more letters; example: 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'R' 'N' 'O' 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'R' 'E' 'W' 'A' 'I' 'T' 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'R' (pause) 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'A' 'R' 'E' 'D' 'E' 'D'.

   Also, bear in mind the things we think are gross, gory and grotesque don't affect your average ghost. They're so over flesh and blood. They're just being bullies if they try to use gore to make you nervous. Think of it as your brother showing you the food in his mouth, since it doesn't bother him. This means all of the messages written in blood, or blood dripping from the ceiling, or blood splattered on the ground are parlor tricks they probably learned from watching too much TV.

Finally, CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR CARBON MONOXIDE

   Please, you don't have a ghost. Ghosts aren't actually a thing. What you might have, though, is deadly noxious gases seeping into your lungs and affecting your brain.

   If not, get some sleep, reduce unnecessary stress, eat better food, or get some white noise to keep you from psyching yourself out. If necessary, get checked for chemical imbalance or mental illness--there are pills for this sort of thing, after all.

But if All Else Fails...

   Remind your ghost that you're going to die someday, too, and when that happens you just might show them the meaning of what it is to be undead, if you know what you mean ('cause no one else will know what you mean.)