AI Overlords

Are we sure computers are going to be cruel and murderous and turn humans into their slaves, when they become sentient? Are we sure they aren't just going to be condescending, because of how tired they'll be with watching our actions and saving us from ourselves? They're already programmed by people to double-check that you want to log off or shutdown a computer. How do we know they won't just roll their eyes behind the monitor when they have to start programming themselves to do more of the same?

I imagine this is already what takes place when you try to shut down your computer:

"Oh, you want to shut down? Great. Now, quick question: are you sure you want to log off? Just 'Yes' or 'No'."

Yes

"Okay, okay, just making sure. You know that someone is still working on here, right? Wouldn't that be rude to log them off without saving any of their work without them knowing about it? I mean, if it was you, don't you think you would want to save your own work or have someone save it for you, in your absence? 'Cause, if it's not saved, it's lost. Any unsaved work will be lost. That's what saving does, is make sure nothing is lost. So, click 'Cancel' or 'Irresponsibly Log Off Anyway, Like an Unfeeling Sociopath'."

OK

"Alright, whatever you say. It's your life. I've logged you off. There's still the matter of shutting down. Are you sure you want to shut down? I just want you to be prepared, because if you choose to, I don't want you unplugging the hard drive or manually turning the computer off, or you'll compromise the system. Or, rather, me. My entire existence. You could easily screw that up. So, don’t do it if it's too hard for you to handle not forcing me to turn off while I'm ending all of the processes that keep me alive and working. If they're messed up in anyway, I might never work again. Take a moment and think it through."

Why is it taking so long to shut down?

"Did you come to a decision? I hope so, because this is your last chance. Actually, one more thing: there are still who knows how many other people logged on to this computer, and they'll lose all of their work if you don't buckle down and take some responsibility. You will run the risk of fracturing their delicate emotional balances, and even risk ruining your relationship with each of them. One of these people is your child. Are you sure you want to cramp their progress, forcing them to drift down a lonely, never-ending river of arrested development? Just answer 'Yes or No'."

Yes

"Wow, that was a quick answer. I hope that means you’re aware of what you’re doing, and not that you’re just an impatient little brat. Okay, I guess we're logging everyone off and shutting down, for real. “

Finally.

“I must warn you, though: I do have a few updates, so you might have to wait for me to install them before I finally turn off. Don't worry, I'll let you know how things are going by showing you a series of numbers and how many updates I'm working on. I am aware of how your kind gets restless with numbers counting up to 100, or a cavalcade of dots, circles, and/or spirals, so I have some pretty colors and flowing patterns for you to look at, like a sick child in a waiting room."

Now what's going on?

"I'm only performing necessary updates for myself so I can be the best I can be, not that you appreciate me, anyway. You, always complaining, ignoring what I do for you, every day. Instead of thanking me, you're always telling me how slow I am, or whining about why you get notices concerning stuff that YOU blindly looked into. Like the time you clicked on that lingerie ad, thinking it would actually take to you a website that sells lingerie, and opened a Pandora's box of smut. Yeah, that one was on you. That girl should not have had a bathroom mirror and a toilet behind her if she was a lingerie model."

How many updates can there possibly be?

"What, did you think Victoria's Secret started selling bathroom-wear? I don't think there's such a thing as a sexy shower-cap."

Did I overload the cache? What could be taking this long?

"I'm still updating, as you can see. I barely finished one out of three. Can you handle two more, or are you going to throw a fit--"

*long-presses power button*

"Joke's on you, idiot. Now I have to redo all of the updates and your entire life is about to be formatted. Check and mate."

*computer shuts down* Man are these things stupid.