Cheque Yourself

I used to think checks were just as unsafe to carry around as cards or cash, but then I realized that they're so inconvenient to the user, they must be exponentially more inconvenient to someone who's in a hurry. You can bet any criminal is used to giving up trying out of frustration, boredom, or straining to remember how to write a check. To their credit, though, bathroom walls prove they at least travel with writing implements.

I'm certain women (let's face it, it's always women) who use checks are never nervous to use them. I'm certain, no matter how shady the character is standing behind them in the checkout line, they feel comfortable they won't be followed to their car. I'll bet that, even when an elderly lady is walking down an empty alleyway, she's confident she can whip out her check book and scare away any reprobate like a crucifix would a vampire, or a timeshare pamphlet would everybody. 

Checks take too long to circulate, too. Sure, you can call on a stolen debit or credit card and make sure they're cancelled so the perp doesn't get the first chance to use them, but the check lives in a different timeline, altogether. Where the card is like a text, the check is like a message written on the shore of a deserted island. The reason being the transaction with a check is a procedure so exactly niche to its peak ubiquity that it's useless to carry a checkbook with you if you don't know who has the equipment to deal with it. It's like driving a giant box truck and expecting to ever be able to park it.

You might not use checks, but maybe you should. Maybe it's worth it in the socially digital age to go crazy analog with the check/ID payment method. So few places still accept checks, at this point, that you might even save enough money for a taser.