Vissicitude is Fun to Say

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It's a challenge to know exactly how you're affecting the people around you, especially with a diagnosable mental condition. As someone who has been thrice diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (II to be exact, since I didn't get there until the sequel came out), I have first-hand experience with this conundrum.

What happens, for me, is I think I exist just swell of my own accord. It's only after I see the reaction on people's faces, or what is being said to me in response of something I've said or done, that I see there's some discrepency between my behavior and the comfort of the people around me.

Consider the storm cloud. The weather is just being weather, at all times. When a storm cloud forms, the weather is unaware that that is a problem for anyone, and doesn't think to consider it'll affect anything. It's just being weather. However, when the storm cloud starts to rain, when the wind starts to blow, when trees lose branches, when streets get flooded, and/or when people get soaked, then is when the weather could recognize what it's doing to everything because of its actions.

I'm not saying I'm not self-aware. Some would say I'm too self-aware. What I'm saying is, until I see how I've been affecting my environment or the people around me, I'm not aware of the damage or negative consequences of what I've done or said.

But, that's just it. The concept, as well as the very term, of 'self-aware' means that I can recognize how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking, but I can't always recognize what it's doing to my life outside of myself.

So, if you meet me and it starts raining, that'll freak both of us out, I'm sure.

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