I was thinking...

There’s a reason why I’m not in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship, believe me. Few things sound better to me right now than to have a significant other to fight against humanity as equal partners, and, ideally, always acting wary of the other, just in case they want to usurp all power and take over the whole operation. I guess this is a great time to finally admit to something I’ve been dealing with for years. So, to my parents, siblings, friends, associates and to you, the reader: I’m a homo-erectus . Well, a distant relative, like you. That means that I’m naturally inclined to certain behaviors and fears, which leads me what I’ve been holding on to for years: I’m terrified of women. Now, I’m not too afraid of women to avoid entering yet another relationship with one. On the contrary, the terror and intrigue are part of what drives me to them, time and time again. Everything is incredible as long as you take their side. The side you want to be on. T...

We live in a dark age. A cloud hangs over this generation of humanity, a dirt-black cloud of distrust--the condensation of broken promises and disillusionment. Steam from the forgotten corpses of dead, unburied dreams has gathered so great that the sky over our society is raining tears. You might be thinking, what in the living garbage is he talking about? Or, more likely, I can’t believe I’ve actually read this far. I’m going to stop reading. To answer both of your thoughts: I am, of course, talking about locking mechanisms on paper towel and toilet paper dispensers. There are people in the world--living, breathing humans capable of acting out their choices--that have, somehow, created the need for locks on paper product dispensers. Someone, somewhere, has done something so vile, so ill-advised and so detrimental to their immediate community that corporations like Kimberly-Clark were commissioned to start locking their products. You know, for protection. Maybe it was...

1. Teenage rebellion What are you, the teenager, rebelling against anymore? Each other? Your parents? What do you have left besides those two things that we, as a social whole, aren’t already rebelling against? Do you have too much privilege to be concerned about real issues, like surviving one more day? 2. Justin Beiber He’s an idiot poisoned by wealth and fame. He's also not the first, and won't be the last. Get over it. Move on. 3. Nude celebrities If you’re still totally hung up on seeing celebrities naked to fulfill your fantasies, try meeting more people. And if you’re married, you’re pathetic--discuss your sexual frustrations with your spouse or get divorced and try to be sexually active afterward. See how that works out for you. 4. Celebrity gossip You need to examine the quality of your life if you're compelled to vicariously live through the missteps and suffering of others, espec...

Pain and Fear are sisters. Yes, they are sisters. As in they are women. And I have irrefutable evidence: they hurt you, a lot, almost menacingly so, but it’s for your protection and simply for your own good. Pain is the friend that, lovingly, yells at you when you’re about to kill yourself if you don’t quit being a moron. Fear is Pain’s sister who always feels uneasy when everyone else is trying not to, even though there’s a very good reason to feel uneasy in that situation. They both come from the same place: the desire to stay alive. It’s this which is the truest proof they’re both female: it kills you when they’re in your life, but you know you would quickly die if they weren’t there.

As a man, I’m feeling a cold breath on my neck. It’s breath from the same mouth that hovered over palm pilots, rotary telephones and spats: it’s the breath of obsoletism. As early as the late 1700’s, there were experiments in artificial insemination in humans, notably done by John Hunter, a Scottish surgeon. This was the first step to making men completely obsolete. The only thing we men had going for us was the production of life-juice! We’d already ransacked every corner of the world, centuries before, for who knows what reason, now there wasn’t even going to be the excuse that we were needed to make babies. Why would we do this to ourselves and each other? An example of this ill-advised procedure came in 1884. An American physician by the name of William Pancoast artificially inseminated a woman, by her and her husband's request, who gave birth to a child nine months later, as expected. However, this married woman was not aware that she was pregnant any of the nine mon...